don’t think, just do.

thoughts after a long break from writing.

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Writing has always been an outlet for me. No matter the situation, I could always go to my journal to vent and create.

Over the past year, I have had some of the most inspiring and beautiful moments of my life, but have become more and more distant from quality time with my pen and paper.

My love for writing began to fade when I should have been the most inspired. I was told to write a different way, so I did. My voice was lost when I expected to tell some of the best stories and lessons I had experienced yet.

As time went on, I conformed to what I thought was best for my writing. But in the end, I lost my passion and desire to put my words down on paper. In the past, I would write for hours at a time. But it got to the point where I would just stare at the blank screen, disconnected from my emotions and unable to put my thoughts into words. It wasn’t natural or fun anymore, and that scared me more than anything.

Big life moments have happened lately, and I’ve been too timid to sit down, write and share about them. In a time that I needed this outlet the most, it was missing from my life. I knew there was so much to write about, but fear of creating it the wrong way kept me from my journal.

I could feel God telling me to write more by the way moments began to pull at my heartstrings, just like they used to. He knows I need this. All it takes is a little effort and a lot of courage. It will all eventually come full circle, despite the setbacks.

As I sit here and reflect for the first time in awhile, I realize there will always be obstacles, opinions and people you simply cannot please. No matter what your passion is, don’t let the outside world get in your way. When you are told it’s not good enough, just keep going.

Write when you want to write, paint when you want to paint and sing when you want to sing. There is no one who can do your passion better than you. We are all unique and have the ability to create beautiful things in our own way.


Do your thing.

best,

della

 

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to the boy who hurt me.

Below is a flashback to one of my favorite pieces. We are about to start a week that is filled with love and showing your significant other how much they mean to you. But let us not forget the impact of self-love and confidence that can be diminished by the ‘love’ that destructs.

Before you can be loved, you must first learn to love yourself. 


After you, I was a beautiful disaster.

To the boy who hurt me,

It’s been a long time since I’ve been over you. Yet, I am still trying to get over the way you made me feel.

You’ve been out of my life for years. But I still carry your spiteful words with me as if you spoke them yesterday.

You were supposed to be my rock, my first young love. You were supposed to leave whimsical butterflies in my stomach just like the movies.

It might not have been meant to last forever, but it was supposed to be beautiful.

Instead, you stole my innocent spirit and optimistic trust in others.

Before you I was free, confident and other characteristics, sadly, I can hardly remember about myself. I lost all of me in you, and left myself there to never return.

Each day I had to rebuild. Rebuild and find who I was, what I should feel and how to form my own thoughts again.

You said my ideas were dumb.

I believed you.

Before you, I was a girl with a creative mind I confidently shared with others. I had a consistent laugh and infectious personality. My unstoppable heart could hardly contain excitement about my dreams and ideas I would one day achieve.

After you, I was too timid to share my thoughts in class and with friends. I thought my ideas were dumb, so I played along with it. Time after time, I acted as if I didn’t know the answer so I wouldn’t have to speak up or stand out.

My original spirit was left nonexistent.

You said I was unlovable.

I believed you.

Before you, I envisioned love the way my grandparents looked at each other. I heard stories of the way they learned how to love and never laid eyes on another soul.

I dreamed of a love story with happy tears, not hateful words.

After you, I was a beautiful disaster. The thought of being with someone forever was shredded from my mind. You made me unlovable and unable to love.

I dreamed of a life alone.

You hurt me, so I hurt people. A vicious circle of damage stemmed from you, and I couldn’t stop it.

Brilliant relationships I never trusted that I deserved were ruined in fear of your actions sneaking up again once I let my guard down. I refused to let them hurt me the way you did.

But I let you get to me.

They helped me while I turned into you, and hurt them.

You said it was my fault when you hurt me.

I believed you.

Before you, love was cheerful, kind and trusting. My mother told me to never be with a man who hurt me.

I thought she was silly. She knew I was smarter than that. I thought I was smarter than that.

After you, I found myself broken. A boy, who violently pushed, grabbed and hurt me, had somehow crept upon my bold and fearless self like my mother had warned me about.

Any forceful touch to my body or loud tone of voice brought back that unforgettable pit in my stomach.

I would never cry about it, though. I wanted to be stronger than you.

I wasn’t strong. I was numb with pain. I was lost.

To the boy who hurt me,

I still get scared to speak my mind, but I continue to become stronger and smarter.

I still fear being unlovable, but I continue to allow myself to love harder.

I still worry about an unguarded heart, but I continue to carefully peel back the layers.

I still am apprehensive of who touches me, but now cry into safe arms that hold me, not hurt me.

To the boy who hurt me,

I hope you’ve turned into a man who has learned through mistakes and effects from our lie of a love story.

I was a girl who let time and experience be her medicine.

Now, I am a confident woman in the last, softer waves of the ripple effect set off years ago.

A woman with plenty of stories to tell my future daughters who will learn from me, not from a boy who hurts them.

always,
della

just like He loves us.

a Sunday morning lesson on the importance of self-appreciation.

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I sat in church last weekend after a few off days and negative insecurities. As the sermon came to an end, I heard my pastor say, “He rescued us to show us how to love others the same way we love ourselves.”

When he said this, I snapped out of my daze and really tried to decipher what he meant by that.

I looked back at the moments through the past week where I was irritable and down, realizing that I struggled to portray my love for the ones around me because I was the one with the empty tank.

It wasn’t their fault. It was the lack of love for myself in the first place.

I find myself putting all of my energy into the ones around me.

If they aren’t happy, I can’t be happy. At the end of the day, I know pleasing everyone is impossible, but it still results in a constant feeling of failure, second guesses, and insecurity.

How are we supposed to truly appreciate others if we don’t even know how to appreciate ourselves first?

What my pastor said helped me realize that it is crucial to take time for ourselves and focus on what makes a positive impact on our inner self so we can then radiate that love to the ones around us.

God created us just the way He wants us to be, and that is something I take for granted every day.

Each negative thought that crosses my mind creates doubt in who He wanted me to be. Each time I unhappily look in the mirror, I put down the beautiful body He wanted me live and thrive in. Each time I selfishly lash out on the ones around me, I’m not loving them the way He taught me to love.

It helps me realize that it is truly a blessing and amazing thing to completely love yourself just the way God made you. He individually made you be the only you, and to me, that is a miracle.

Remember this on your hard days filled with doubts. God made you exactly the way you are so you can then love others in the special way you were individually meant to love them, just like He loves us.

And to me, that’s a beautiful and much-needed Sunday morning lesson.

always,
della

are you going for it?

some people want to fall in love with the one. i want to fall in love with places.

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For the first time in my life, I have been faced with the unknown. With no set path, I am finally being forced to make tough decisions based on a gut feeling. In a mixed emotional state of fear and excitement, I attempt to plan out my life play by play.

Until I realized, in my case, that’s not how it is going to work.

At some point we have to give up what we can’t control. The endless questions from people around me asking what my future plans are lead to nights full of worry, and have consumed my thoughts for months.

I was anxious over the unknown of where I’ll end up, the possibility of living off more ramen noodles than I did in college or being completely unknown in a big city.

My biggest fear is to end up in the first cubicle that opens up simply to make ends meet. I have no clue what my next move will be, which fills me with anxious moments, but brilliant and inspiring ones as well.

I consistently catch myself daydreaming of what else the world has to offer and what I can make out of my life. The constant Retweets and Pins of beautiful places around the world flood our news feeds. I think to myself, “Wow, wouldn’t that be the life?” or “I wish I could go there.”

In a world full of what ifs, will we actually ever go for it?

I believe we are meant to take a chance, because without chances what would this world be? The thought of being out of my comfort zone is intimidating, but so is doing the same thing every single day for the next 60 years. The fear of rejection and failure are inevitable, but without moments of humility and struggle, I am afraid I will never find out where or who I’m truly meant to be.

Maybe your world revolves around raising a family, falling in love with “the one” or working nine to five. But it could also be seeing the world, forcing yourself to be uncomfortable or focusing on experiences rather than the materials you attain.

Some people want to fall in love with boys. I want to fall in love with places. There’s a beautiful world out there to experience, and I am afraid to miss it.

I believe everyone has their own dream and purpose to fulfill. In my current absence of security and abundance of freedom, I feel as if it’s God’s way of telling me to go for it and not miss out on a dream – something I thought would always remain what “I wish” I could do.

So the real question is, will you be content to fit the mold or are you going for it?

always,
della

when life gets busy.

trade in your blinders for a breather.

breathe


I’ve spent the last few months going from one responsibility to another. They have been busy, filled with work and saving money. As the season comes to an end, I can say I worked hard – but did I truly live?

There’s nothing wrong with having goals and trying to achieve them, but I have been so focused on one end goal that I realize I have completely put my blinders on to the rest of my life.

I look back and try to remember the last time I truly felt alive, the last time I laughed until I cried or took the time to catch up with an old friend. As I struggled to remember, I realized how important it is to take some time to breathe. Take some time to truly live and enjoy the moments I have, rather than worrying about what is coming up next.

As we get caught up in our own thoughts and lives, it’s hard to stay in touch with others – and even ourselves.

Each night I go to bed exhausted with thoughts running through my mind. I’m worried for the next day: what else can I get done tomorrow? A constant checklist is getting crossed off and finished each day – but I’m losing touch with myself in the process.

As the days wind down, I realize that I haven’t done a very good job lately of growing relationships and getting to know myself better. I was on auto pilot the entire time – focused on what’s next, and not on what I have.

I fill my days with a million to-do items. But if someone asks me what I did that day, I can hardly remember because I wasn’t focusing on the little moments that lead to the bigger picture.

The months flew by and before I know it, the next 20 years will be gone just as fast. I don’t want to look back and think “what happened” when I’ve been here but not really here the entire time.

Get in touch with friends, loved ones and most importantly yourself. Sometimes it’s ok to take some time off to catch up and live a little while on a mission to reach your goals. At the end of the day, success won’t mean anything unless you have people to share it with.

Instead of getting caught up in life’s constant go go go without a break, take a breather. Create a lifestyle that you can genuinely say, “I’m happy” every night rather than going through your worries about what hasn’t even happened yet.

Stay happy, be alive and take on each moment with a smile.

always,
della